Friday, November 15, 2019

Why You Should Impress A Girl

An unlikely title coming from a self-proclaimed spiritual gal, living the Minimalist lifestyle and who believes a woman should be whole by herself and even self-sufficient. However, during the course of my adult years (maybe even from my teenage years), I invariably fell into a trap of my own making and here I am trying to advise other girls not to fall (and the men to actually do their part!)

I would describe myself as someone who loves simplicity, doesn’t need expensive first date dinners and generally gets attracted to people who like me, don’t believe in impressing to score. Put a picture of your six-pack on your dating profile and I’ll most likely swipe you left for trying to sell yourself to me.

That said, I’ve noticed over the years that those men I was so happy about not trying to impress me were, actually, unwilling to make the effort to! And there is one huge difference between simplicity and not caring enough to give it your BEST shot.

I dated someone on and off for one and a half years. I have a tattoo related to our non-relationship. Him? He asked me am I paying by card or cash at the McDo on our second date!

Another guy spent months declaring I was the hottest girl ever, even as we both admitted I was emotionally unavailable. What happened when I became emotionally available? He managed a few days of endearing texts, one date for which he had to make an effort around his work timetable (for real, he scored some points!) then suddenly we fell into that pit! He chose to work on the weekend we were invited to a best friend’s wedding, the texts dwindled and eventually, when we gave it a second shot, he would fantasise for days about our ‘date’ only to cancel because he got the opportunity of more overtime. What kind of an effort is that for the ‘hot girl of his dreams’?

I have come to learn that I should never tell a guy to ‘not impress me’, seeing as it means different things to girls and guys. Believe me, it’s like giving him a passport to ‘take-me-for-granted-land’!

So now I get what my friend meant when she chided me for picking up the guy by car instead of the other way round. It’s not about acting fragile or not being nice. It’s simply to see how much he actually wants me.

So guys, get your act together and girls, now you can’t say you haven’t been warned!


Friday, November 8, 2019

Gratitude - The Easiest Way to Achieving Your Best Life

Up to a couple weeks ago I was getting writer's block a lot. I’ve attributed it to the fact that I have not been actively selling articles to other magazines lately, therefore writing less to a deadline, as well as maybe to not being in the right vibrational frequency to write.

Whatever the reason, that very word vibrational frequency got me thinking. I would like to consistently be in the right frequency to write, but I would also love to always be in the right vibrational frequency for other important things, namely Happiness, Love, Friendship, Home, Abundance.

Whilst imagination and mood help anyone get into a frame of mind of belief that all of these frequencies and feelings are available to them, there is one all-important exercise you can do that overrides anything that might be limiting you in getting there. The key word is Gratitude.

We are all vibrational beings. And in being grateful for what we have, we attract more to us of that same. In the same way, wallowing in self pity for what is bugging us, sends out a frequency to the universe that is just as powerful in emotion and intent, therefore also bringing more to us of that same. So always look only to what you are grateful for.

It is easy for me to write that, you might say, but not as easy to always be in a positive mood and not get upset at things that hurt us or make our lives more difficult. But once you learn to change your thought as soon as you find yourself thinking of the bad, you will find your life changing not only in the mindset but also literally.

I follow the teachings of Abraham Hicks. One of his books gives the example of a two-sided stick to any situation. So to give a practical example of how to change your frequency to attract good, picture having an old beat-up car that is still functional and can get you from A to B, despite without air-conditioning and with one faulty window switch. On the one hand (one side of the stick) you could grumble about the heat in the summer and how you’re stuck with having to keep one window closed all the time. On the other hand, you could turn the stick over to check out the other end and see how your trusty old car still gets you everywhere on time, has given you many memories and is even in a colour you truly love. Regardless of whether you manifest a new car that is more to your liking (which is on the cards if you do practice gratitude for what you have already), which is the better life to live? The one focusing on what’s wrong, or the one that will make you smile?

Below is a related endearing Mickey Mouse video that will make you smile :-)

Friday, November 1, 2019

When It's Not 'Ok' To Stay

I’ve heard so many people talk about couples staying together “for the kids’ sake” that it makes me want to scream.

Let me get one thing straight. Family is important, and family is a precious gift. I am happy for people who are lucky enough to have a partner and kids with that same partner and live in love as a family. But if and when things go terribly wrong…

I do understand that children who grow up living with one parent and only ‘seeing’ the other one might be missing out on more time with that parent. I also agree that the bestest environment for a child would be to grow up with parents who love each other and give an example of love. However when things do go wrong, that is NOT the scenario kids will grow up in should the couple stay together.

Imagine being a small kid and being woken up mornings by the sound of mum and dad arguing, or maybe even being unable to sleep of an evening for hearing the front door slam and one or another of the parents storming out after yet another fight whilst the other sobs in the next room.  Try to put yourself in the shoes of a child whose parents never agree on anything, not even about how to raise the child himself/herself. How painful and confusing that must be! Add to this, living in such an energetically toxic home a child cannot possibly be happy, regardless of having both the parents around.

I’ve seen what such a home environment can do to children. It breaks them, making them emotional wrecks, changing even their very DNA and causing them anxiety, making them constantly ill and worse. The first three years of a child’s life, most especially, are the formative years. They will help form the child’s very being and how they interact and feel about all of their life’s facets.

So don’t whisper behind the backs of couples with young kids who have chosen out of their partnership. They have done what they feel is best. Believe me, staying would cause the child more pain.

Friday, October 25, 2019

The Future depends on the Now and the Past does not matter.

As I sit down to write this, automatically my mind wanders to what my own past and future are full of and what they represent to me. A string of images appear as I flashback to a marital split, to a career in financial services, to the day I gave birth to my son. The future looks like questions, asking will I settle down with someone again, are there more children in my future, how will my new business look like ten years from now, and will I by then have achieved my dream home? However my now is still sitting at my desk, with all these thoughts whirling and not letting me be present in the NOW.

It is true that it is our past that has shaped who we are and even maybe conditioned, up to a point, our present. It is also true that through setting goals to achieve in our future, we are planning the path we should take, researching what we need on the journey there, and hopefully enjoying the ride.

However that is what I would like to discuss. How many of us actually enjoy every step of the way? I know that I have myself made the mistake in the past of always striving for a ‘better’ future than my NOW. It was always “I will feel better tomorrow; I’ll be richer tomorrow; I’ll settle down tomorrow; and then I will be ok.”

How about being ok right NOW? Sure, it is important to strive to better our life, to ensure to have a better future than the past. It is also quite sane to look back to the past to avoid making the same mistakes. Many people though tend to fall into the trap of working so hard to be able to face tomorrow that they totally forget about their present. Some are always lost inside their head and thoughts planning tomorrow; others physically work themselves to exhaustion in a bid to save for tomorrow.

The future depends on the NOW, of course it does. How else would it be the future of NOW? Therefore I quite understand the need to act in a way that shapes and controls the future. It is imperative though to understand, that both good and bad choices affect the future. In working so hard to get the future we desire, we might be ruining that very future for ourselves. I have heard time and again how certain people lived to the ripe old age of reaching their retirement, only to fall dead just days or months after that. All that toil takes its toll it seems. Others might have worked obsessively to give their children a better future than their parents had given them in the past. Only to find their children alienated in the course of years of barely seeing the parent due to this workaholic mindset.

So how about setting a new trend? One that defies our ancestors’ mindset and glues us firmly in the NOW? Whatever your past, it does not have to condition who you are now. And in that same way, there is no need to look to the future so intently that you forget your present. I mean, if you forget to eat NOW there will be no future, right? In the same way, if you are not going to nurture your NOW, you will always have a very poor future to look to. Especially because today’s future will be tomorrow’s NOW and unless you are going to enjoy where you are at at any given point in time, you are only setting a loop of always wishing what is still far from NOW.


Friday, October 18, 2019

Trading Jobs - For Better or Worse

It’s Friday night and technically that means I should be publishing a blog post. However I just got home from a shift at my new job, only realising whilst driving back that another week had passed and I am due to upload something.

I worked in Financial Services for over fourteen years. I spent four and a half months after that not working for anyone, creating a business of my own and learning about myself. Then I got a simple part time job to stop dipping into my savings for the day to day.

There’s a saying in Maltese that ‘Everyone does what he feels is best for him.’ Often times, when someone says they are going to quit their job, they keep getting told this by well-meaning family, friends and colleagues. So what about when everyone finds out you seemingly traded DOWN and are at a loss for what to say to you?!

I handed in my notice at my previous job on 21st March of this year. I will never forget the date, partly because it was the first day of Spring and partly, too, because I had been wanting to do it for ages. I had a long notice to work but just the thought of there being an end date to it was refreshing to my mind and calming to my anxiety.

I quit without having a plan. Without having another job lined up back then. I quit because despite the dangling question of where would my money come from next, I still felt better leaving it.

Horror of horrors, I quit the financial industry and now work as a sales girl! What’s more, I didn’t even do it because I didn’t manage to get another job in the industry. I was asked by people to reconsider, it was pointed out to me by others that I must now have a lower hourly pay, and I was told I must have good brains to have done my previous Operations Officer job and why would I trade that in for standing on my feet for hours on end, hauling and arranging shoe boxes, straightening handbags and handing pop socks to people when they ask?

My answer is simple. I worked in an all-white huge open plan office full of computers, actually staring at one of them all day, every day, getting no satisfaction as the work was never done. I got to meet no people other than those sitting directly next to me and felt criminal whenever I stopped at some old colleague’s desk for a quick chat on the way to the kitchen or bathroom or back. The toxicity of the place used to hit me as I walked in each morning, everyone seemed very often in a hostile mood and of all the jobs in the world, my last position demanded I reconcile money and shares, exposing other people’s mistakes or shortcomings as well as any backlog.

In my new job, I am instead surrounded by so many beautiful items for sale and get asked by people to help them. The satisfaction of seeing a client’s beaming face and their sincere 'Thank You' for my help is priceless, as is the fact that the boss/owner is an understanding human being who tried all he could to give me the kind of shifts that I would be able to fit into my lifestyle so that I could be one of his employees.

I can’t say it’s all roses and after all, don’t roses always have thorns? Yes, my hourly pay IS lower than it used to be and I spend long hours on my feet without rest. Always an advocate against uniforms and dress codes, I had to swap my smart look for a shirt that says ‘STAFF’ and to be honest, I actually miss working with numbers.

So all in all did I trade up, down, or maybe even swap for more of the same? I wonder that myself sometimes, till I flash back to the atmosphere of my old office and even the job itself and I know, I could never have stayed.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Anxiety - That Little-Discussed Monster Trying To Eat Your Life Away

They keep telling me to stop. Everyone does. Everyone seems to think I do it on purpose! Do they think I even know that I am scarring my chin, scratching at it till my fingernails are all bloody, as I sit in traffic getting anywhere or even now as I write this? Do they think I love inflicting self-pain when I chew my finger (not fingernail!) till blood starts oozing out? People ask me what’s wrong with the knuckles on both my hands, little knowing I ate the skin off. Until recently, I went for years with ulcers attacking the inside of my mouth: gums, cheeks, lips, tongue. Stress. People shrug and tell me don’t stress. Do they think that just because I am an adult I couldn’t possibly worry so much about what’s happening today, tomorrow, will my friend ever reply to that text and is it me or did they just let it slip their mind?

I was never diagnosed with anxiety before. And yet as a child, I was terrified of using the telephone. I would rehearse a whole conversation before phoning up even a best friend, somehow unsure of any relationship I had with anyone in the world and how would they react to me and what on earth would I say? How would I even explain myself? Yes, I am a writer and yet spoken words fail me.

Then the OCD started. My family and I would wait at the airport for our Gate number to be called and all I could think of, rather than the fun we’d have on the holiday, was whether our luggage was all there. I would count everyone’s luggage, every little bit of it, every minute or so, never telling the adults how worried I was about it, how I felt like I was losing my mind counting it over and over again.

Other children jump at the chance of being left alone at home for even a few minutes. But when MY mum left me home to go on an errand, trusting I was a good kid and would never do anything dangerous or out of line, I spent the whole time she wasn’t there thinking of how my parent had actually left. She left, she left, the tears would come, I would sit behind the door much like a puppy, thinking to myself she’s coming back, it’s only an errand, how long can it be till I am not alone again? As the clock neared the time my parent would return, I’d go to the bathroom, wipe away the tears, pretend that all had been fine and like we could do it all over again.

Then night would fall and dreaded bedtime. There were monster forms in my flowery quilt cover that only I could possibly imagine. And yet I remember drawing them with my eyes, following the lines and curves of what were supposedly flowers but could make up pictures of totally different things. I never wanted to sleep. Closing my eyes meant the nightmares would come, one of them so bad that even to this day I would not ever dare retell. So instead I would look at the digital clock on my bedside table, seeing the numbers change, counting them all together. Bedtime was 20:00 for me and I slowly counted 2 + 0 + 0 + 0 and on and on as each digit signalled another minute had passed. I would say my prayers. I didn’t say just one ‘Hail Mary’ but maybe ten, or even more. I would dedicate each one to some suffering body, worrying about the missions, the orphans, the dead, the alive. At some point I would lose track of just how many ‘Hail Mary’s I’d said and start all over again. Even when I did fall asleep, I would wake up at night, panic at not having finished my prayers, and start over.

Life was a spiral of school (children didn’t fight to sit next to me but to sit away); the transport to get back home (if there weren’t enough seats, I was the one standing up though I was the smallest one there for a while). Many days, somewhere in between the start and end of the school day, I would almost give up on it all. I’d truthfully ask about being excused for a headache, hoping the school would phone my parents up. They did at first, but my headaches became so frequent they just let me lie down in the secretary’s office till they’d declare me fit to get back to class. Class. Interminable lessons in a droning teacher’s voice, as I sat unable to delude my parents and so not talking during lessons, not eating outside of lunchtime (a mere fifteen minutes that were barely enough for my tiny mouth to gulp down my sandwich and apple), just going through the motions then home to homework, studying for tests, poetry to be learnt by heart. No wonder I dreaded it back then, the poetry, which would in time become my solace and the way to empty my heart.

In time, it became difficult to distinguish: Who really cared and who did not? Whether a guy was teasing me because he liked me or whether I really wasn’t worth the time of my then boyfriend to actually turn up when we were meant to meet. I once waited four hours looking out my window for my boyfriend to show up because my innocent belief in love said that if he was dating me then obviously he cared.

And yet still I never knew I suffered from anxiety. Through the years leading up to a wedding that I wanted, because I wanted to feel someone was ready to be there. Through the fitful nights and days when I could barely breathe, lying in a hospital bed, pregnant, being told they had no idea what was wrong with me. (It turned out to be a chest infection that got progressively worse). Through hours of labour, panicking, and the nurse stupidly telling me ‘The more you panic the longer labour’s gonna be’. And then a screaming baby, my baby, a baby I worried about constantly. The anxiety took over then, my whole being, my mind, my sleep-deprived body. It constantly told me the baby might get hurt, that if he screeched so hard he might stop breathing, that I shouldn’t fall asleep lest my colicky baby threw up and choked.

I suffered not only postpartum depression but even postpartum psychosis. I went to hell and back, the previously absent boyfriend by then a mostly absent dad. The anxiety had never let me distinguish between who would really be there or no. I fought with my best friend and lost her for a while, just because to my mind it was criminal of her to feed my 8-month-old an apple instead of a bottle whilst in her care. And the more I cried and panicked and tried to be a good mum, the harder my son cried and threw up through his first years.

The post-natal depression got ‘fixed’ with pills and therapy, my son’s first traumatic years were not. We are nearing his tenth birthday now, trying to learn how to relate to each other still, and I have finally being diagnosed with Anxiety.

It’s just one word, near the beginning of the dictionary, and yet it can strip you of all the beautiful words that are in the rest of the dictionary and thesaurus both.

I chewed my knuckles' skin off through my post-natal depression.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Twin Flames, My Journey Two Years On

Facebook brought up a photo memory this week: a radiant me, taken during a wedding. The reason I was smiling was because standing beside me but cropped out for privacy reasons stood the other half of my own soul. Still oblivious back then to what this person really meant to me, nonetheless he seemed to bring out the very best in me and I remember people telling me that day that I looked better than ever before.

It took sixteen months to come to know that that very person, who I met in the most bizarre of circumstances (the Universe truly did move everything to align perfectly so we could meet when we did) would turn out to be not only the catalyst of my strength, love energy, and even Awakening but also my Twin Flame.

Who was this person to affect me so, to the very core? For truly, I wasn’t at all spiritual back then and yet, the first time we met face to face and he started telling me really deep things about his life and innermost thoughts, something inside me jumped and told me this was definitely the person my soul had looked out for for so long.

In five whirlwind weeks, he tamed the wounded panicked animal I had become due to my past, the girl who was scared of even the gentlest person, as he in fact was. I started to believe that maybe, finally, I had found the person who would want to support me in the present, share my future; that now my soul would be at peace. Then, just as swiftly and strangely as he’d entered my world, he disappeared.

I had no idea back then about push and pull energy, the bubble phase of twin flames, and what it would take for them to ever really remain together in this life.

Twin flames don’t remain apart. Oh, they flit in and out of each other’s life over and over and the more one pushes the further away the other will go, only to return and send endearing messages the second they feel pull energy again. Should one try to cut the other out, this move, so earthly and ego-based, usually keeps twins apart for a length of time till, both of them stronger from having grown without the aid of the other, they get magnetised back together for yet another bout of exhilarating energy exchange. In the spiritual world, Twin Flames’ biggest mission on earth is to up the world’s vibration through their unconditional explosive love energy, which can be felt by all around them. Even when they are in what many call a 'physical separation', twins are often still in contact telepathically and always in each others' hearts and sometimes even in the dreams.

A while ago I wrote about what Twin Flames are, as well as about tattooing the symbol of the Twin Flames as a ‘commitment for life’. You may read that entry here on my old blog: http://vintagehew.blogspot.com/2019/07/what-is-twin-flame.html

I have since that entry researched more about Twin Flames ,even learning to weed out the good advice and info from the bad. I will never go back on what I said about my love for my twin being unconditional regardless of whether we spend this lifetime together or not, but I do have to rephrase some other things I mentioned in that previous post.

So let’s talk about Mirroring: not a new concept, neither exclusive to Twin Flame relationships. Rather, it is said that anyone’s reaction is a mirror to your own perception and in fact that makes sense seeing as that you can react differently to a person’s same treatment of you. Let’s take a practical example: Someone lies about you and you get very offended about it. How dare he? If you take that stance it is likely the result of a lack of self-confidence and self-love on your side as otherwise you would just brush him off and let the bad energy bounce back to him. Therefore a person is always mirroring your own character traits up to a point. However, to say that the Twin is your perfect mirror can be misleading and in fact, the ‘Mirror Exercise’ advocated by a particular cult who own a twin flames school academy can do more harm than good. I will not say it is always the case, since I have met twin flames who swear the method helped them a lot with self-love and therefore releasing their need of the twin for happiness and good energy. However, the method can also backfire.

I did try the mirror exercise. Oh I so did! Repeatedly, for every little upset, and instead of finding a self-love through it it made me feel like I was desperately clutching at straws. The more I tried it, the more upset I became, because as soon as I decided that a particular reaction was due to my own insecurity, yet another upset came along. And I am not talking just about upsets with regards to my twin flame, but with anyone else. It is true that our perception matters in any relationship up to a point, but on the other hand we are not responsible for character traits of a**holes and how they are treating us. So those upsets are beyond the scope of a Mirroring exercise.

I stated in the previous article that when it comes to twin flames, ‘They are your mirror, so that anything that upsets you in them you will easily trace back to the way you treat yourself’. Now that statement is both true AND untrue. The twin will actually mirror to you a lot of ‘stuff’ that you must come to terms with or overcome, true enough. On the other hand, it is unfair to blame on yourself all of their bad character traits.

I don’t beat about the bush as a rule and neither will I today. My twin flame upset me a lot. Over and over, throughout the two years we’ve been in and out of each others’ lives. In the same way, I know for a fact that I have upset him repeatedly myself. There are times I ask myself what’s wrong with me after acting most irrationally in his company and very unlike myself. Mirroring stuff for him to work on maybe? Upon learning about this so-called Mirror exercise, I spent hours listing the things that hurt me and trying to turn them onto myself, diligently trying to figure out how I was hiding myself, lying to myself, breaking promises to myself, being unfair to myself, refusing to go out of the way for myself. Was I really such an a** of a person?!

According to my Twin Flame, he spent New Year’s Eve with his male pals and took a trip with a colleague. Yep, I was a male friend on NYE and a nurse on the day we flew off on a trip together. The lies were his, not mine. So using the mirror exercise to tell myself that I must be somehow lying to myself only made me feel like a lunatic. However when instead I looked at that mirror from a different point of view, he did mirror something back to me.

I had let him hide me. Over and over. And because I loved him so much, I preferred to go along with the game than risk his disappearing yet again. When he asked me on that flight at a few hours notice, it wasn’t his version that I was some crazy colleague who would impulsively ask a much younger guy of the opposite sex to go along on his trip with him that I needed to mirror.

What actually did take place was that I jumped to entertain his wish regardless of what few hours remained for me to get ready for the flight, the money it would involved and worse than that, the fact that I got on that plane without a chance to say goodbye to my son. I had once again put my twin first and not myself.

Why? Because up to then, given the huge magnetic energy that Twin Flames share, I had always only felt that extreme happiness in his company, and it’s a no-brainer that once you get a taste of Heaven you would have it no other way. That trip, which I’ve mentioned at least twice before on my old blog, was to be what I call ‘The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning.’ In taking the heartbreaking decision that I needed to put myself first regardless of our spiritual relationship, I left our ongoing non-relationship that night with a measly worldly tiff-induced goodbye and yet, it was to be one of the most important decisions I would take in my life.

For only once I’d freed myself from our entangled red thread, did I learn to find my happiness for myself and hopefully, so did he. Unlike what I had mentioned in my earlier post, Twin Flames don’t necessarily always end up together in this life, though who knows whether we will? What is truly important is the unconditional love they share that shows them a lesson bigger than life.

So to my twin flame, the reason I keep away is to give you the chance to grow, to love, to learn, and not because I will ever give up on what we have.

Here below is a vlog post by a dear friend of mine - Elle - who always has invaluable advice about Twin Flames:



Why You Should Impress A Girl

An unlikely title coming from a self-proclaimed spiritual gal, living the Minimalist lifestyle and who believes a woman should be whole by ...